Val of the Ring
by NaiveRapture
Summary: LOTR except Valley Girl style


Disclaimers: well I do not own anything. Not one little thing in this... except maybe the idea... but even then I don't own it... Don't own Tolkien. Don't own Val's. Please don't sue me.  
  
Ok. So this is written so that Galadriel is narrating the whole thing.   
  
Alrighty, so Galadriel the like lady of light comes in. Like I love your hair! Anyway she starts speaking,  
  
"I amar prestar aen. The world has like totally changed. Han mathon ne nen. I like feel it in like the water. Han mathon ne chae. I like totally feel it in the earth. A han nostron ned wilith. I totally smell it in like the air.  
  
Come on you guys. Like put on some deodorant or like something cause you just like smell. It's like so gross. Like gag me with a spoon. Anyway back to like the topic.  
  
Much that like once was, is like lost. For none now live who can like remember it. That's cause they like all were old fogies who like never took showers.  
  
It totally began with the forging of these totally great rings. They were like awesome! Three were given to the Elves: Like totally, immortal, wisest and by far fairest of all beings y'know. 'Cause they had like naturaly blonde hair, which is so cool. Like blonde is so in right now. Talk about up to date with fashions. And their clothes are like so totally cool! Anyway;  
  
Seven to the dwarf lords: Great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls and were like totally grody! They had like really long and grody beards. Like gross out. Gag me with a spoon. Like to the max. .  
  
And nine, nine rings were like gifted to the race of men who, above all else, like desire power. Which is totally not cool if you ask me cause they also needed to take showers. For like within these like rings was totally bound the strength and the will to like govern each race. Which was like so totally super super nice y'know, except for the like evil bad guy dude. But they were, all of them, like deceived, which is so not cool if you ask me; I mean if you've got this super super nice ring and someone comes along and makes a better one. God, that would be like so not cool.  
  
But anyway, they were all of them like decieved; for another ring was made. In like the totally disgusting land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged, in secret, a master ring. And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. Oh my god, this guy has like a attitude problem or something cause he like really needs to see a shrink. God.  
  
One ring to like rule them all. One by one, the free lands of Middle-earth fell to the power of the ring. Which is like a real bummer but that doesn't really matter cause it's such a cool story to tell like totally.  
  
But there were some who resisted. Which was totally cool cause the super bad guy was like totally blitzed. He really needed a face job or something.  
  
A Last Alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor. Which was so totally bitchen if you ask me. The only problem is that their clothes were so totally grody. Like barf out. Gag me with a spoon. They totally need to go to the Galleria and get like some real clothes.  
  
And on the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle- earth. Victory was totally near, but the power of the Ring could not be undone.  
  
Which really sucked 'cause I needed a manicure and like couldn't get one till these guys finished.  
  
It was like in this moment, when all hope had like faded, that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.  
  
Now let me tell you a little bit about this Isildur guy. He was so totally bitchen. He once told me that my skirt was so cute, which was totally cool, 'cause like anyone who's anyone knows that Isildur has like the best fashion sense. I mean its really bitchen.  
  
But anyway this evil dude, Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle- earth, was like defeated. Which was weird 'cause he only lost a finger and a ring. I mean I would be sad if I lost my ring, but like die over one ring, totally weird. But it was bitchen 'cause I could go get my manicure.  
  
Anyway ring passed to Isildur, who had like this one chance to destroy evil forever. Which I think was totally cool. But the hearts of men are totally easily corrupted, and the ring of power like has this will of its own. This totally sucked 'cause y'know it could have been like destroyed or something. Which would have totally been bitchen!  
  
But anyway the Ring like totally betrayed Isildur to his death which sucks for him, and some things that should not have been forgotten, were like totally lost.  
  
They weren't forgotten. Like oh my god, no! They were like lost. Like this one time I put Nenya down somewhere and like I couldn't find her for like a day. Totally not cool. But I totally did not forget her, I lost her, which is so much better than forgetting if you ask me.  
  
But anyway, history became legend, and legend became like myth, and for two-and-a-half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge.  
  
This is like a really, really long time. I mean think of all the totally gross wrinkles you could get. I mean think about it! Anyway I got to get back to the story, even though everything I'm saying is so totally cooler than the story y'know?  
  
But anyway back to like the story. When chance came, it, the Ring, ensnared a new bearer. The ring came to the creature Gollum, who like took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it like consumed him.  
  
And like that was totally bad for his complexion, I mean think about it. Gross. If you find this totally tacky ring, don't take it cause it does horrible things to your complexion. I mean like barf out! Gag me with a spoon!  
  
The like totally knarly ring brought to Gollum like an unnatural long life, which was like totally bitchen 'cause he could like perfect his 'doo, but he... like gag me with a spoon he went totally the opposite and it is like so totally grody to the max. And then for like five hundred years, it poisoned his mind which must have like sooo totally sucked. And in the like total dankness and gloominess of Gollum's cave, it waited.  
  
For like five hundred years! It's like someone who has been dumped, but won't let go, which is like soo totally idiotic, but like what would you do for five hundred years? In like a so totally grody cave?  
  
And then like darkness crept back into the forests of the world, and like what I want to know is like where did it go in the first place?  
  
Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear like at school in the hall, I heard this one rumor that like Alan liked Katy, but Katy liked George and it was like sooo totally confusing, but like I was all like who cares y'know?  
  
And the Ring of power perceived like what the hell does that mean anyway? Its time had now come.  
  
It abandoned Gollum. Which must have sucked for the Gollum dude, I mean like being with someone for five hundred years then just being abandoned like that...  
  
But something like happened then, the ring did like sooo totally not intend. It was like picked up by the most like unlikely creature that like you could ever like imagine a like hobbit, Bilbo Baggins like what kind of name is that? of the Shire like that is sooo totally too long for a name if you ask me.  
  
For the like time will soon come when like hobbits will shape the fortunes of all... Which is like so totally weird 'cause they are like so grody to the max and their feet are like so totally gag me with a spoon, haven't they ever heard of a razor? It's like so totally gross, but their clothes are like so much better then the other dude's clothes, like they have kapri's which are like the new thing, so totally up to date on fashion...

Hey all! Hope you like this story. But I'm going to be mean. I really need motivation for these sort of things. Sooo, I wont post the next chapter until I've got 5 reviews. Ok? Ok. Anyway, thanks all and I hope you like this.. Oh and I'm not a Val, so please don't flame me if you are.... 


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